According to a large and growing number of parents, authors, and leaders, NO, you shouldn't even consider the possibility of dating. A popular book out currently is by Joshua Harris titled, I Kissed Dating Goodbye. When I first saw this book, I can remember thinking, "Surely he isn't telling people to forego dating entirely … He must have just come upon a really creative title."

The title is creative and after interviewing him on my online radio show, Shrink Rap, I realized that Harris and I are not too far off the same beliefs about dating.

I'd like to present a balanced view for singles to explore if they are considering dating. Mr. Harris opens his book writing:

"It was finally here—Anna's wedding day, the day she had dreamed about and planned for months. The small, picturesque church was crowded with friends and family. Sunlight poured through the stained-glass windows, and the gentle music of a stringed quartet filled the air. Ann walked down the aisle toward David. Joy surged within her. This was the moment for which she had waited so long. He gently took her hand, and they turned toward the altar.

But as the minister began to lead Anna and David through their vows, the unthinkable happened. A girl stood up in the middle of the congregation, walked quietly to the altar, and took David's other hand. Another girl approached and stood next to the first, followed by another. Soon, a chain of six girls stood by him as he repeated his vows to Anna.

Ann felt her lip beginning to quiver as tears welled up in her eyes. "Is this some kind of joke?' she whispered to David.

"I'm … I'm sorry, Anna," he said, staring at the floor.

"Who are these girls, David? What is going on?" she gasped.

"They're girls from my past," he answered sadly. "Anna, they don't mean anything to me now … but I've given part of my heart to each of them."

"I thought your heart was mine," she said.

"It is, it is," he pleaded. "Everything that's left is yours."

A tear rolled down Anna's cheek. Then she woke up."

If I read this opening in a book about dating, I'd probably give up dating as well. But is it realistic? I mean, do we actually carry over our dating relationships of the past in such a significant and emotionally hurtful way? I'd say yes and no. Yes there is a real possibility that we get too involved with a dating relationship and it ends up following us negatively into marriage. But there are definitely relationships that only remain positive and do not effect our marriage negatively, and in fact, actually lend a hand in making our marriage even better.

Further along in Mr. Harris' book he writes, "Dating may seem an innocent game, but as I see it, we are sinning against each other. What excuse will we have when God asks us to account for our actions and attitudes in relationships? If God sees a sparrow fall (Matthew 10:29), do you think He could possibly overlook the broken hearts and scarred emotions we cause in relationships based on selfishness?"

He is not alone in thinking this way. I've heard ideas like this on the radio, with friends, and in the counseling room. Quite frankly this idea concerns me. Placing all of dating in the realm of "selfishness" or "broken hearts and scarred emotions" is unfair. ALL dating isn't sinful, evil, hurtful, scary, etc. Dating, just like most everything in life, has the capacity for good and evil. We as people have the capacity for good and evil. How else can we explain that we are created in the image of God, and we are also completely sinful. Throughout our lifespan on earth we will do both good and evil. We can't avoid it, even with the best intentions.

Dating can be an extremely positive experience. I know, I dated and had both positive and negative experiences. I even had negative experiences turn into really positive ones, and I'd hate to imagine my life without them.

The reality is that we have the potential to foul up any dating model we choose because we are not perfect. So is the "model" of dating going to keep us in God's will, or the actions we choose to make within a model?

The most important factor we should be looking at in a young person's life is whether or not he or she is honoring to God, others and himself/herself. If this is in place, then you can bet their dating experience will be as honoring to God and to others as possible.

© Copyright 2003 Smalley Relationship Center

Print this page

E-mail this page

Bookmark this page

Back to top