Q: I have been searching your site along with many others to find something to help me with a conflict in my marriage, My husband likes to throw around the words "rebellion" and "submission" a lot, even when it comes down to things like putting dirty dishes in the sink when he says to. If I don't jump up right then, I'm being rebellious. I do everything I can to be a good wife but I feel as if he is using that as intimidating control and I am trying to find some teaching or Bible text to help clearly define the purpose those two words should play in a marriage. Can you help?

A: Discovering what the words "rebellion" and "submission" mean is not what is going on here. Also, you need to know that you cannot change your husband. Don't even try. What I want to do is throw something at you that will help you take the high road in your marriage.

I make it a habit to always listen to how much love others are receiving instead of taking their words at face value—or worse, taking them as personal attacks on me. As soon as I start watching facial expressions and listening to the tone and feelings behind the words, I become a much better listener. How many times have you listened to someone attacking you and reacted in anger because their words made it sound as if something is wrong with you? People continually tell you what they believe, need or desire by the way they talk. Words say more about the person saying them than about the person listening.

I began to listen better to my mate and others when I discovered that I don't need to take personally everything that comes out of someone else's mouth. When I feel attacked, I've discovered a way to fight back (and it's probably not what you think!). I call it treasure hunting. Treasure hunting is finding out what's really going on in the other person's heart.

Everything about you—what people see on the outside—is just a reflection of what is going on in your heart. Proverbs 27:19 says, "As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man." And Proverbs 23:7 says, "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he" (AMP). I'm slowly discovering that when people fall into attack mode, I need to figure out what's really going on inside. What's the real issue? Where is the anger coming from?

When was the last time you were in a restaurant and the wait staff or cashier was on edge? Did you take it personally? How did it affect your attitude toward the person? Treasure hunting means not taking offense but pressing deeper into the heart of the person. This may mean simply stopping the person and asking, "How's your day going?" or "What's the matter?" or offering an encouraging comment like, "It sure is busy today, but you're holding it together really well." You will be amazed at what comes out of a person's heart after just a few words or moments of kindness.

Treasure hunting works in all different circumstances and intersections of life. For example, if I see a man express aggression or road rage while I'm driving, I think he may have had a fight with his spouse before getting behind the wheel this morning. Or maybe the driver's dad doesn't love him very much. Or maybe the driver's mom said he would never amount to much. Or maybe he suffers from sleep apnea and happens to be grouchy from lack of sleep. Treasure hunting means trying to understand where people are coming from and giving them grace for their less-than-pleasant moments—because we all have them.

That's why it's so important to treasure hunt in your marriage. I've seen this play out time and time again in my own marriage. Work at finding out what is in your husband's heart.

Blessings!

© Copyright 2008 Smalley Relationship Center

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