Q: I attended the I Promise conference with my husband Friday and yesterday. They were talking about breaking the cycle of the fear dance. They said the first thing to do was create space, recognize your emotions, identify what you can and can't change and take it to the Lord to get your heart back open. I think it would help if they explained how to create space and what is a reasonable time to stay away. Isn't the idea to let the partner know you need some space and then go be alone to work on yourself? They gave no time frames and I think it would be helpful to give some guidelines. People who "flight" may use this the wrong way. I think it would help some to suggest time frames and ways to create space.

A: Creating space during a conflict is healthy so long as something constructive is done during the "space."

It varies from couple to couple and conflict to conflict. For instance, the space needed after a fight about your husband's driving will vary from the space needed from a verbally abusive spouse.

The amount of time needed really depends on how constructive a person is during the time. Time spent in prayer treasure hunting your heart is important. Ask God to bring to the surface areas of your life that do not line up with Him or His love. Reestablish the fact in your life that you are unable to change your mate and that you can only take care of yourself. Use your "space" to open your heart back to God. A heart closed to people ultimately means that your heart is not fully open to God.

Can "creating space" be abused? Yes. Withdrawal is a deadly germ in any relationship. Withdrawal or "flight" is shutting down towards God or another person. It is not constructive and is not used for healing. Creating space is an intentional period of time for examining one's heart and connectedness with God.

I wish I could tell you that you should set a time limit of 2 hours or 8 hours. Focus on the activity of the created space, not the time. One thing you can do that would help when you create space is to designate a time to return. Even if you or are not ready at the designated time, you can each give an update as to what God is showing you through His Word and prayer. Then simply designate another time to return.

The key is to do something constructive during the "space." Blessings as you seek God's best for your marriage!

© Copyright 2007 Smalley Relationship Center

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