Q: My husband and I fight a lot about sex. Mainly, he wants more of it. Surprise! How often do "normal couples" have sex? How can we work through our differences sexually?

A: Frequency varies with age, stage in life and number of years married. How often you have sex is probably a secondary issue. Communication is the primary issue. Have you talked about how often you both would like to have sex? I imagine that he is more frustrated walking throughout his day thinking "Is tonight the night?" This is really more of an issue of expectations. Resolving expectations may lead to increased marital and sexual satisfaction.

We have expectations about everything: what time our mate gets home from work, the safest speed for driving, the spending of money, the raising of kids and the type of church we should attend—all subjects that can drain and strain a relationship.

The gap between what we expect sexually and what we get can also drain our energy. When our experience is close to what we anticipated, we're stronger and more content. That bolsters our ability to keep on loving. But unless we talk about those things and bring our expectations to the surface, our wishes won't be known for sure, and we may find ourselves facing an energy-sapping gap between our desires and our reality.

The gap is your level of stress and frustration. The greater the gap, the greater level of stress you have. There could be a significant gap, thus significant stress and frustration, or your gap could be relatively small. For example, if you planned on sex twice a month and only had sex once a month, your stress and frustration would be lower than if you got no sex at all.

Start talking about expectations and reality. He needs to know why you do not like to have sex as much as him. He needs to know what excites you about sex and what turns you off to it. There are so many great discussions that you could have way before the conversation about frequency.

Blessings as you start the dialogue!

© Copyright 2007 Smalley Relationship Center

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