Q: My wife is not as much hysterical as she is historical. When we get into arguments, she stays calm for the most part but brings up things from years ago. I know I have made a lot of mistakes. How do I handle past events brought into current issues?

A: Men are far more objective than women when it comes to conversation. We like to keep with the issue at hand. Women are far more personal in their communication style. Everything in life is connected for them.

In a lot of ways, men are like the inside of a ship. We are compartmentalized. We go to one room and shut the door. Then we go into another room and shut the door and so on. Women are more like a river. They flow. The past, the present and the future all flow together.

Sometimes a man will come home from work and the wife will ask, "Did you think about me today?" The man will respond, "Well, let me think. I'm sure I did." Generally, men tend to compartmentalize. When they're at work, they're at work; when they're at home, they're at home. When they are fighting about a given issue, they are on that issue.

A woman's brain has been designed by God to connect many events and details together when they communicate. This is why they are great at multi-tasking.

Instead of changing this, work hard to see WHY your wife is bringing up the history of your marriage. What is the common thread? Say things like, "That is interesting that you feel the same way about this issue as you do that issue." That shows your wife that you are listening and understanding.

Don't try to change your wife's communication style. You can only change yourself. Become a great student of your wife by asking great questions. Seek to understand what your wife feels, more than what she is saying. She can bring up a dozen events, and I bet you will discover there are only one or two feelings attached to those events. Focus on the feelings, not the events.

Blessings!

© Copyright 2008 Smalley Relationship Center

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