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Question of the Week
Week of 03/24/08
Q: I know it is impossible to not bring expectations to marriage, but I thought mine were somewhat reasonable. Yet, my new husband and I are having a difficult time getting on the same page with most decisions. We are not anywhere near divorce as an option, but there is a strain. Very open to any thoughts or suggestions you have.
A: We all have expectations. The strain you refer to is simply the gap between what you are expecting and what you are currently getting in your marriage. There are some very practical steps you can take to bridge that gap in your marriage.
First, write down your expectations. Be as exhaustive as possible with your list. List everything from how you spend and save money, whether or not you plan to have one or many children, career goals and dreams, even how to spend free time.
Second, on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being "no big deal" and 10 being a "very big deal") rank the intensity of those expectations when you got married. Then, in a second column on a scale of 1 to 10 rank your current reality. For example:
| What You Hoped For | Expectation | What You Got |
| | 1. Long walks on the beach. We will walk for no other purpose but connecting. Just me and my spouse with the sand between our toes, pants rolled up and the tide coming in. | |
| | 2. Nice house. The white picket fence, furniture, and backyard garden are just so a few of the images I had of our home one day. Not necessarily our first home, but our house a few years down the road. | |
| | 3. Romantic vacations. Cruises, beach houses, remote cabins in the Rockies. The honeymoon experience will happen at least once a year. | |
| | 4. Deep conversations. While dating we spent hours on the phone. There will never come a day when I sense he is "rushing" me off the phone. He or she will always love the sound of my voice. | |
| | 5. Bragging on each other in public. While dating we bragged each other up to family and friends. Showed our picture every chance we got. | |
| | 6. Courtesy. Opening doors, pushing back a chair, offering a jacket on a cold night. | |
Your list may have 20, 30 or even 50 expectations. Make your list, then study each expectation to discover the gap.
Third, study the reasonableness of each expectation. For instance, if your expectation was to take a couple of romantic vacations each year and the money is not available, then it may be unreasonable to drop this at the doorstep of your new husband. Take this third step without your mate. This step is for personal responsibility and study.
Fourth, begin the conversation with your mate by asking for his expectations. His list may look different. His may include time with friends, companionship and respect. Validate his list. Begin working together on the gaps. It is the gaps that are causing the disillusionment, frustration and strain. Do this together and be careful not to turn this time into demands on each other. The goal is awareness and getting into the heart of your mate.
Blessings as you explore and shrink the gaps!
© Copyright 2008 Smalley Relationship Center
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