Q: Finally, my wife and I are very open in the bedroom—sharing likes and dislikes what feels good and what doesn't. Our question is: what is permissible for a Christian Married couple? If both are agreed is it anything goes or are there boundaries?

A: Great questions and I must start with some key truths about sexual intimacy. God created sex. He wants you to enjoy sex with your spouse in a lifelong commitment.

I'm encouraged when I meet couples who are not afraid to explore each other with creative sexual methods and settings. Breaking routine is healthy for your sexual intimacy. I am even more encouraged when I hear stories of senior couples who still like to mess around. One senior woman recently told me:

We didn't see each other naked for the first three months of marriage. There weren't any lights or candles. We started with only straight intercourse—no foreplay. By year five, we were using candles and messing around for maybe 15 minutes prior to sex. It wasn't until year eight that we started talking about sex—what we each liked and disliked. By year ten, we started having sex in other parts of the house. Prior to that, it was only in the bedroom. It wasn't until our fifteenth wedding anniversary that I asked him if he would like me to experiment with other positions. It was sometime in this period that I had my first multiple orgasm. We enjoyed great sex for the next 35 years. He was 70 when a medical procedure put an end to sex, but it didn't end our lovemaking. I can still remember our last time. We both cried as if we were mourning a death. But you know what? We can still mess around!

A lot of Christians get uncomfortable when we try to combine the words "creative" and "sex." However, I believe that God wants us to cultivate creativity in our sex lives. God only speaks to Solomon and the Shulammite bride in a single verse in the Song of Songs—immediately following intercourse:

Eat, O friends, and drink; drink your fill, O lovers (Song of Songs 5:1).

We are creatures of habit. I know I'm prone to live every part of my life like the sign found on a rugged Alaskan highway: "Choose your rut carefully; you'll be in it for the next 200 miles." But let's be frank: A rut is nothing more than a grave with both ends knocked out. Predictable and familiar, ruts offer us false security and can drain the life right out of a marriage.

A read of the Song of Solomon shows that the wife sets the boundaries in the bedroom. Solomon makes it his job to remove the fear of sexual exploration by reassuring her of his gentleness. Women desire gentleness and men desire responsiveness.

There are definitely boundaries that I want to share with our readers. I minister to couples regularly who are tempted to introduce pornography into their marriage bed. This is a clear violation of Scripture. Jesus is clear about keeping the images of another man or woman out of our heads and hearts (Matthew 5).

So long as your exploration does not violate a clear precept or principle from Scripture or does not endanger the health of your wife (such as anal sex), enjoy the wife of your youth my friend.

Blessings!

© Copyright 2007 Smalley Relationship Center

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