Q: I live in constant anger towards my wife. I need help with understanding and channeling my anger well. Where do I start?

A: Anger is an indicator of something else at work.

Anger is an emotion. Like all of our emotions, there's nothing wrong with it in and of itself. It's our human response to something that occurs, or at least to our perception of that occurrence. In fact, some anger is good; we get angry when we see an injustice or when someone is trying to violate our personal property lines. In such cases, our anger is what motivates is to take appropriate action. But after anger motivates us to do something good, we can't afford to let it linger inside us. We have to get it out. Anger a good emotion when it gets us moving, but if we let it take root, we set ourselves up for a great deal of potential harm.

Dr. Howard Markman of Denver University, a leading expert in relationships, gives a strong warning about hidden anger. He reminds us that all those little discussions that just don't seem to get resolved and continually provoke an inappropriate outburst—issues that don't necessarily amount to much, such as whether the toilet seat is up or down—are usually driven by anger that's just below the surface. No matter how many times you try to resolve those issues or enter into deeper intimacy, the anger can keep you in turmoil. Living with angry people is like living in a minefield. If you say or do the wrong thing, kaboom! They explode all over everyone. And you're left thinking, "Oh, I had no idea that one thing I did I would cause such a reaction."

Actually, anger is a secondary emotion, not a primary feeling. It arises out of fear, frustration, hurt, or some combination of these three. For example, if someone says something harsh to us we first feel hurt and then anger. When we strip the word anger down to its deepest level, we see the thread of unfulfilled expectations. Frustration is not receiving what we had expected from other people or from circumstances.

Immediately go to God when you get frustrated or hurt. Replace your anger with more of Him.

© Copyright 2007 Smalley Relationship Center

Print this page

E-mail this page

Bookmark this page

Back to top